Figure out what they think about sex with you!Jan 12, 2022
You have sex, but do you really know what they think about it?
Do they enjoy it? Do they want more of it? Do they feel disappointed? Are you on the same page?
Do you want to know what they really think? If so keep reading, because we've got a super easy method to help you out.
Get ready to feel more intimate and have better sex (for you and your partner). WITHOUT DRAMA!
It may sound too easy.. but the best way to find out what is going on in that brain is to ask! But you don't want to ask just any question. You've been there before. You've tried to talk to your partner. Maybe you've made great progress, or maybe conversation can be difficult sometimes. Maybe talks about sex end in anger or tears. Maybe you've never talked about sex.
My friend you are not alone! If there is one thing you hear from me today it is this: you are not alone.
So many people struggle talking about sex because it is a really touchy subject. You are taking one of the most intimate areas of your life, and your body for that matter, and are trying to be vulnerable with it. Sure it is the person you are closest with, but a lot of people aren't even sure what they really think about sex. Add in trauma, history, dreams, fears, differences of opinion, and you have quite the task on your hands.
But there is hope. You can have a productive and freeing conversation about sex. You can figure out what they feel and think & you can tell them how you feel and what you think.
So here we go friends. Get ready to take notes. Most of this is similar advise from episode 18 of my podcast Passion Connected. For those of you who prefer to read and take your own personal notes, tally-ho!
This is gonna be so positive you're gonna come out of this with so many action-taking steps.
First: the Passion Connected Conversation Rules.
1) No blaming, shaming, or pointing fingers. Sometimes it can be so easy to get into the painful things and start saying "you did this" or "why can't you" or "i wish you'd". But let's be real... how likely is it that someone hears that and goes "I'll get on that! I'm so sorry. You are completely right and I'm completely wrong". Probably not often. Instead, let's be positive focused because where we aim our thoughts and words is where we will end up!
2) Bookend your conversations. Find a positive way to start the conversation and a positive way to end it. Don't spring it on them. Ask if they would like to join you for an evening snack and then end it with a fun tv show. Or start it off with coffee and end it with a hug. Either way make sure you plan out positive things to put on either side of the conversation so if it ever gets heavy you know you will end it by being on eachothers team.
3) Make sure you both know to keep it short and simple. Don't let answers drag you down in an unproductive spiral. Keep it light & work through the heavy stuff at another planned time.
Second: What to ask... and how to ask it?
Be confident my friend! Amazing sex will bring you closer. Knowing what they are thinking gives you a huge advantage to love them well and be loved well in return.
QUESTION #1: What would you like more of that we do?
I love this question to start off with because it instantly is just saying there's something right that we do here. There is something good. What is it that you see that you would like more of? And I just love that conversation. Let's assume the best. Whether or not your sex life has been really good. Whether it's been really bad wherever you are, whether you're not even having sex yet, whatever it is like, talk about what is good, what is already good, and what would you like more of. To follow that up, what is something? And this is kind of a bonus question, but it goes in with it, so there's not like #2 but to follow up. What is it that you like that we do that you want more of? Ask them? Is there something that we don't do that you would like to try in this kind of opens? The door lets them. Start actually sharing vulnerably and kind of getting more in depth to the conversation so you guys can figure out where you wanna go with it.
Alright number two question number 2. What isn't working for you? And this can be a hard one because you are opening yourself up to. Get feedback and it's not just about you because it's about them, so anything that is said. This is a team effort so. This question I like to put it in the middle because it is the more negative, focused question of the four. So it is surrounded by all of the positive questions we still have to look at the negative. I just heard something from my husband side of the family that I really liked where one of. My brother in laws was talking about how you have to have both black and white in your life and you have to have this mix of grey that you get in the end. You can't have all positive or all the same voices in your life. You can't have all the things you want. You also have to sometimes hear the hard things and the things that you really may not have wanted to hear. But are going to be good because it is going to make a better, stronger, more you, you and it is going to be healthy for you. So while this question is negative, I want you to come into it with this idea that asking the question to your partner. What isn't working for you is opening the door to bigger better. More positive, more amazing, more intimate and beautiful and loving sex that you guys both want.
Number three. What do you love about me sexually? I also wanted to put this one in the middle because it turns the focus back onto you, which can be really, really good and really healthy because you guys need to be able to talk about those things together. But when asking these questions I want you as a person to be focusing more on your partner and their answers. And loving them and caring for them because that is where growth is going to happen between you. So this is still really a good question, but you'll notice that it's just the one that is being asked about you amongst the four. But the fun thing about all of it is you should be asking both of these questions back and forth to each other. So either asking all four at once and then the other person asks. All four or you ask one and one and two and two and three and three and so on. So you were going to get a chance to answer and have the same questions asked back to you. But on this number three, what do you love about me sexually? This can be physical, emotional, whatever it looks like. But it gives you a starting point for things that you can keep strong in your relationship, because we really want to focus from a place of strength, not weakness is. That is one thing that I have learned in counseling training so much is that. You should always help your person focus on their strengths, not their weaknesses. Like I said, we do need to bring those weaknesses in. We do need to see them. We can't stay blind to them, but let's go ahead and bring in the strengths. So if they say to you, for example, one thing that my husband really loves is he. Says that I'm always in it. He feels like I'm always really present. I'm always mentally present. I'm there, I'm available and so that is one of the things that I love prepping myself for when we're about to have sex. I'm like, OK. He really loves this. This is a great strength. About me. This is something I'm really good at in sex. OK, let's bring it. Let's bring my positive attributes, and oftentimes that strength that you have that they love is so good because it balances them out. It's something that maybe they don't bring to the table, but you do, and sometimes we can feel insecure about those things and this is a chance for you to hear the things that they love that you know. OK, this is really helpful and again it can be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, whatever it looks like, but something that they love about you sexually. And this is one of those questions I feel like you can just keep going on, so maybe not stopping at one, but just keep going and saying like let's do 2345 like what's five things you love about me sexually and vice versa
What do you love about yourself? I love this question. I love this question. It's the same question as above, but flipped around and you get to hear what you could focus on for them. You get to hear what they think their strengths are. And then during sex and during normal life you can focus on those things. So if they say I really love my abs, I have worked hard on them. I really like them. I really appreciate them. I can bet you anything that they are going to love when you appreciate their abs or if they say. I really love how I talk to you. I think it's fun the way that I talk during sex. This is something that you can focus on and you can say back to them. I love the way that you talk to me. You can talk back to them and and enjoy the conversation during sex or enjoy the foreplay and everything that they're bringing to the table. Whatever it is, it gives you something to grow that love and that intimacy and to compliment and just dote on them a little bit. And then like I said, just make sure it goes back and forth. So that's. All four questions, and that's really fun, because then you get to hear what is amazing for them and they get to hear what is amazing for you and you can combine those things together and you can both grow together. And then on number 2 you get to hear what isn't working for them and you guys can work on it together and they can hear what isn't working for you. And you can work on it together. I think that this would be such a powerful conversation, especially if you sit down and do it all at once. I have had this kind of conversation with my husband before where we just hash out everything sexually. I have these kinds of conversations actually about like every topic in our life. We love having these kinds of conversations where we just ask each other back and forth and give the opportunity to talk and listen. But especially sexually for the start of the New Year. If you guys want to start off 2020 with a bang, if you wanna make it amazing, here is a great place to start. if this has been helpful I would love to have you guys get my design, your own sex life pocket. It has got a video that I walk you through everything. It has got a workbook with journal Proms and it would be so helpful. In conjunction with this episode, I think it is so powerful. If you can work through your own stuff. First, if you can figure out where you stand before bringing yourself to the conversational table. If you would like to really up your sex game and you really want to know where you're going, where this is all gonna lead. You wanna set goals. You wanna aim for them.
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