Four things to know going to the Honeymoon Suite Transcript

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Welcome to the community, where passion for life and healthy sexuality connect beautifully and easily. I'm your host Amanda Ammons, and my goal in life is to help you thrive. A huge part of that is your sex life. Your one life was meant to be amazing, sex included. You most likely haven't been showing this but I'm here to tell you your beautifully and intricately made. Made for more, made for the best. However your journey brought you here, join me in a new conversation about one of the most amazing things ever created: intricate, passionate, intercourse. Together let's break the shame cycle. Let’s learn how to please and be pleased. Let's fight fear find freedom and freaking have fun! Welcome for the passion connected show.

Hello friends! Welcome to the first episode of the passion connected podcast! I cannot wait to get started today. We are going to be talking about the four things that I wish I had fully taken heart before my first time with my husband. But before we jump into that, I did release my trailer. If you haven't listened to it yet, it's a little five or six minutes episode that just kind of tells you who I am, what we're going to be doing here, and what we're all about. So I highly recommend you go and listen to that.

I did start recording this episode today in my quote-quote studio which is really just my desk in my room, but I was not feeling it. So I'm currently sitting out in my living room wishing you were here. I've had so many good conversations with women about this exact topic with coffee on my couch and that is what I want this to feel like. Grab your coffee, grab whatever you're drinking. I don't know what time of day it is you're listening but get whatever you need right now and just relax into this episode and know that I want it to be personal. Know that I wish that we were having it as a one on one. I wish you were here but since we're not I'm gonna be really grateful for podcasting and really grateful for the Internet.

We are going to dive right in this episode. I want you to know is aimed towards first timers but it is good things to remember for anyone in any area of life where ever you fall on the spectrum. Maybe your getting married, you aren't married ,you are married, whatever, these are all still really good things to remember. These are things I still have to remember. First, fear and excitement are totally normal emotions together they are normal emotions in so many experiences in life. Think rollercoaster, think whatever it is for you. Fear and excitement can go hand in hand and they're OK to go hand in hand. They're OK in sex, it is OK to have a level of nervousness or fear and excitement you don't have to push one or the other off to the side. You can have them both. When I was thinking about this it reminded me of a moment in my own life where I definitely had both fear and excitement going hand in hand. So I have not flown a lot. I flew once when I was too young to remember it and once when I was a teenager but really honestly I think I was so nervous at that point I can't remember the experience too much. And I had so many other things going on at that time. Fast forward to sometime in my 20s. My husband and I were flying to somewhere. It was our first time flying together and I was so nervous. I didn't remember anything about security. I didn't know what is a terminal how do we actually get on the plane. What does my ticket do and only one ounce of what? I mean there were so many things. I was like I don't ever do this so I'm so nervous and to top it all off I have a fear of falling. Now hear me on this I don't have a fear of heights. I have a fear of falling so going up in the air's you know totally fine other than the fact that you have to go down. It gives you the option of falling. We both knew, my husband and I going into this that it was probably going to be a rough ride up and a rough ride down. When we were up in the air was probably going to be totally fine, but the takeoff and the landing not so much it was not particularly looking forward to that part but I was looking forward to the plane ride. Put us on the plane, getting ready to take off, and I have got my husband's hand in an absolute death grip. I mean honestly guys I don't know how his hand is still attached to his body. It was like I was giving birth I was squeezing so hard. There was a guy next to him poor guy pretended to be asleep but I knew he wasn't because I was just shaking and silently sobbing over in my chair just freaking out like “Oh my goodness Oh my goodness Oh my goodness” we're about to take off. My husband being this super sweet sensitive guy that he is decides to start singing to me because I love music and I sing to myself all the time singing is kind of just the way I express myself and he started singing 21 pilots “taking my time on my ride oh I'm falling” right as we are taking off and it was the worst timing. I start laughing through my cries because I'm like what and then I start hyperventilating and it's this mixed emotion of like that was the worst thing you could have possibly done. He's like “Oh no I'm so sorry I'll try to sing something else” and he tries to sing something calming and whatever and we look back at it now and we just crack up. I mean it is so funny. Of all of the songs that he could have picked to sing he started singing about falling and that's the one thing that I'm terrified of in that moment. I mean really, what are the odds.

But as I was thinking about that story I was thinking about how much it was like our first time together. There were many nerves but at the same time I was so excited and we were both going into it wanting it to go well. Wanting to have a good time together. He was being really sweet but there were mistakes and I was freaking out. You know that could be interpreted as wrong or a mistake or whatever. I think a lot of people believe if they're afraid they need to fix that that. That they need to get rid of the fear and just be excited but really it is 100% OK to be nervous, to be afraid, to be insecure. Me being fearful on that plane did not ruin that plane ride. If anything we look back at it and laugh and it's more memorable because of everything that we went through. Hear me again: it is OK, it is OK to have insecurities or fears. They don't overshadow ,they don't diminish, they don't harm the excitement that is there. They can mix, they can both be there at the same time.

You are where you're at in your sex life for a reason. Accept those emotions and allow them to play a part. If you're nervous ask yourself. Why am I nervous? Are these good nerves? If you're fearful ask yourself “why am I fearful?” Is it because it's the first time? Is it because I've had bad experiences in the past? where is it at? Own those emotions as a part of who you are and work through them, but don't push them aside as if they can't be there because they will interfere with any pleasure or joy or excitement. That is not the case, they do not overshadow. They can co-mingle. If you are at the point where you feel like your fear is so overwhelming you can't even think straight or imagine enjoying it, that is a different story. In that case I recommend talking to someone, specifically a counselor who can help you walk through those things. But if it's just basic nerves, if it's just something that you know that you can work through together then great! Enjoy the nerves and let them be fuel for excitement and something to laugh about with your spouse in the moment or later. Enjoy this time it is going to be so good.

Second this is a team effort. It is absolutely not a performance. You're gonna be learning together. You don't have to be a showgirl. You don't have to do anything specific. Walk into that room hand in hand and walk out hand in hand and you have “succeeded”. I believe everyone should be prepared for sex. For example, learning about lube and where your vagina is and all of those things, but you don't have to know how to reverse cow girl. Let the fun sex expositions, let the seducing, let the crazy stuff come later if you want. Even then it's going to be a team effort, but for now don't worry about showing off or making a performance.

They chose you they love you they want you and you get to learn each other in such an intimate way learn together. Which leads into my third point. There is no pressure. There is only the pressure that you have placed on yourself. Forget the rest of the world, because they are not in the bedroom with you. Forget what movies you have seen what you have or haven't done what your spouse has or hasn't done there is no pressure for you to do a certain thing or be a certain way. You don't have to do anything. you get to be true to yourself in this moment. If anything I think the bedroom is the one place where you get to fully expose who you are in a beautiful way. You get to be yourself and you don't have to be anything else. You listen to yourself. You know who you are know who your lover is, and if you keep true to yourself and your beliefs it is going to be great! It is going to be so good!

Finally fourth, while sex is incredibly important, I mean I have an entire podcast about it it, is not the end-all be-all. It does not define your relationship. It does not show you that you are compatible or incompatible. I know so many women, especially Christians, who don't even get to have sex their first night for one reason or another and it says absolutely nothing about them as a couple. It doesn't mean that they are compatible or incompatible or they did something wrong or it is one person's fault or it's not one person's fault. Whatever. Kileab and I had an amazing first night of sex and then we had a horrible first few months of sex and it says nothing about our relational or sexual compatibility. You cannot expect yourselves to fit together right away. If you do, awesome! But like anything new you might have some troubles.

You might look or act a little awkward. You can't expect yourselves to fit together right away. I was certainly awkward my first night walking in. It was, I mean we had petals on the bed and everything else and it was like what are we doing here? What do we do now? I mean we've wanted each other for so long during this engagement and now we're standing there like OK uhm…do you, do you…do you want to start or do I want to start? Reminds me of what I looked like this last year trying to ski. I looked like a full blown idiot but it was my first time, what do you expect? I was going down the slopes so slowly everyone was blowing by me but you know what? I internally felt like I owned it and girl in my own way I rocked those bunny slopes. I owned that place. Be in this for the long game with your hubby. Rock your hubby you-style. You don't have to be a pro to be perfect for him. So that is all I have for you today guys. I can't wait to connect with you over on the Facebook group! I will put the link in the show notes. Hop on over there, we're going to be talking about this episode. We're going to be discussing it and any questions you have. I'm going to be there for you and I would love to see you over there and hear what encourage you most today. Also if you have two minutes to leave a review on whatever platform you're using: apple podcast, google podcast, Spotify. I would be so grateful and so pumped, so appreciative if you would just take that time for me. Until next Wednesday love, I'll see you there.