Marriages That Make It Vs. Marriages That Fail

There is research on marriages that work and marriages that don't. The ones that last and are joy-filled have this in common: They don't stay stagnant. The couple takes time to discuss the problems in their marriage. They take inventory of what needs help and what is going well. Amanda is here to help you do that! 2023 is the year of fantastic marriage/relationship growth. 

THINGS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Dyadic adjustment scale test: http://www.trieft.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Dyadic-Adjustment-Scale.pdf

If you want to take action, I created a free goal planning download based on some basic questions about your sex life: https://www.amandaammons.com/pl/2147661053 

The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Book 

The Marriage Clinic Book

Atomic Habits Book

 

 

 

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Transcript

Amanda: Welcome to the community where passion for life and healthy sexuality connect beautifully and easily. I'm your host Amanda Ammons, and my goal in life is to help you thrive, and a huge part of that is your sex life. Your one life was meant to [00:20:00] be amazing. Sex included. You most likely haven't been shown this, but I'm here to tell you, you're beautifully and intricately made, made for more, made for the best.

However your journey brought you here. Join me in a new conversation about one of the most amazing things ever created in. Passionate intercourse together. Let's break the shame cycle. Let's learn how to please and be pleased. Let's fight fear. Find freedom, and freaking have fun. Welcome to the Passion Connected Show.

Hey, welcome back to another year of the Passion Connected Podcast. We are starting off 2023 with an episode talking about marriage, which is the foundation of everything that we talk about here on the podcast, God First, but then that marriage is so important to your sex life, obviously. It is the [00:21:00] relationship, it is the foundation to all of the feelings, all of the chemical interactions, all of the beauty that comes from sex.

And so we are gonna talk today just a little bit about understanding your marriage under, like seeing where it's at, getting an overview, getting a picture of what is going on and making goals together. Making 2023, the best year for your relationship, the best year for your sex life, for you individually, which also just starts there with marriage.

And I'm really, really excited about it. I was processing through this year for the podcast and where I want this to go and what I want this to look like. And I really wanna be intentional this year. Um, I'm always intentional with my episodes. I really care about the content that I deliver to you guys. I don't like putting anything on here that's not really researched or with.

A ton of heart and intention and or it's something that I have lived out myself and can see the practical applications of, and one of the things that I haven't talked about. On this podcast very much is [00:22:00] honestly marriage and that is really, really crazy. Um, but part of it is I started with this perspective of knowing that Christian women have a difficult time.

Addressing sex. And I wanted to jump right in there and I wanted to say, okay, sex is important. Um, here is everything that you need to know. Here is your body, here is your emotions. Here's how to initiate sex. What about scheduling sex? What about when sex doesn't work? What about porn? And we've, we've addressed a lot.

We have talked about a lot. And now I think it's time and I wanna take a step back and I want to start. Um, just addressing the foundational issues, and we've done it on here a little bit, but the foundational issues to sex, which starts with the relationship, it starts with your beliefs, it starts with you as individuals, but also how you come together.

And so there's gonna be a lot more of that on the podcast this year, and I hope that that's gonna be really helpful for you guys. It aligns not only with what I'm working on in my own life, but also [00:23:00] what I'm being educated on right now. So I'm in advanced marriage and family therapy for one of my courses this semester, and this will be my last semester of courses before I'm diving into practicum and internship and getting out there in the field.

And I'm really, really excited for that. I cannot wait to have, uh, one-on-one clients or couples or whoever I'm working with. Um, and so I've just felt really a heart for this idea of marriage. I was talking to my friend Abby Haggard, who is a podcaster, and I'll link her stuff below because she's just a gem.

She's amazing. I love her. You need to go listen to her podcast and join her community. She is awesome. Um, but we were just talking about. This heart for marriage, how we see so much pain in people's relationships and we see so many struggles in marriage and both her and I are ready to attack it. And, and I'm ready to jump on here and I want to start addressing it.

And even as I've been going through stuff, you know, I'm seeing other. Uh, people who are trying to have a voice or are speaking out about things they're addressing this topic [00:24:00] of marriage and, and what marriage looks like in this culture, what marriage has looked like historically, what marriage can be and what it should be, and how it can look.

And I think it's really, really important. I think that this culture, Tends to gravitate towards. Actually, I don't know. I don't think this culture tends to gravitate towards, I know this culture from all of the research, from just witnessing it and being in it. Um, this culture tends to gravitate towards.

Individualistic. So we really value each individual person, their own dreams, their own goals, um, self-fulfilling and all of these different things. And how the Lord loves me and who I am with him and my relationship with him. And it is great and it is. Beautiful and it is awesome. And even when it comes to counseling, so when, you know, Freud started up, um, all of his psychoanalytic stuff and then we go into psychodynamic and all of these different types of therapy and theories and things, they started off very, very [00:25:00] individualistic because, They had this concept that, um, the problem is with the family, the problem is with relationships.

And if we can just pull this person out and fix them and help them and, and get them to where they can be completely okay in and of themselves, then they'll be fine and they'll be great and, and whatever. And that there's, there's some truth to that. Like you have to develop your own charact. You have to have a personal individual relationship with the Lord.

You have to make sure that you are right with yourself. Um, and what, what you know to be true and, and right and good. Um, but there's a sadness to this aspect that a lot of times we start focusing in so much on ourselves, and especially at the beginning of the year. We're like, these are my goals. These are my things.

This is what I'm gonna do. This is how I'm gonna get better. This is how you can help me. . I mean, it makes sense because we are egocentric beings. We are in our own bodies. We're not in anybody else's bodies. We're in our own minds. We're not in anybody else's minds. And so it makes sense [00:26:00]that we're perceiving everything from an individualistic standpoint.

Um, and again, this is not bad, but it has to be balanced out with this concept of we are in relationship with other people and we do have account. To those other people. We have commitments. We have jobs, we have duties, we have relationships that we should be active in and maintain, not only just for our sake, but for their sake and vice versa for society.

Everything. It is all so interconnected and relationships matter so, so much. And so while I promote on here this idea of. , you know, you need to figure out your own sexuality and you need to understand your own body, and you need to make sure that you know what you desire and how to advocate for those things in your relationship.

All of those things are very, very true, but along with that, if you are not keeping the relationship in mind, if you are not keeping the marriage in mind, if you are not keeping your family in mind, , none of those [00:27:00] individualistic things matter because the structure and everything around you is gonna start falling apart.

And I know that I, I know somebody on here is relating to that and saying like, yes, I do so much of my own inner work and I'm, you know, I'm getting better and I'm doing this thing, but somehow still my relationship has these cracks and these faults and this isn't working and that isn't working. And, and.

and it makes sense. You have to make sure that you are investing yourself not only in yourself. , but also in the other person and in the relationship itself. Um, and that's one of the things that we talk about a lot when you're doing like family therapy or couples therapy. It's not even just about loving and being there for that other person, but it is recognizing those relational ties, that string that is connecting you to somebody else.

Um, and, and looking at that string and saying, how can. Bond this. How can we make this stronger, tighter, better, more amazing? And down that line? [00:28:00] When you start making that that really strong, you will be a stronger individual. You will have more support for the things that. you need to be doing or that you're growing in, you'll be able to give them more support and, and in turn bolster all of those good chemicals in you and all of those good feelings and just make you and develop you into a better person.

And so you have to make sure that you are looking at the relationship. And so I really, really wanna do that this year. That's not what every single podcast episode's gonna be about. But it is something that I am going to be intentional with this year, teaching on here and helping to educate about how you can create a healthy marriage.

And even in my class that I had this last week, um, the professor was asking like, who here wants to do couples therapy? And everyone was like, no, , because it's so difficult and it is so hard, but I. I'm on that opposite spectrum, Kyla and I love working on our relationship. We love getting better. We love growing.

We love developing, we love trying new [00:29:00] techniques to make our relationship better. Um, and so if I can any way give you the courage and the encouragement that there can be change, that doesn't have to be difficult. There are practical things that you can do in your relationship to make it better. This relat.

It can be saved, it can be grown, it can be better, it can look amazing. You can have dreams together and go for them together. Um, and in turn it's gonna make sex better. And like I said, you better. And I just wanna encourage you there. I wanna do that on here. I want to give marriage its best fighting chance, so,

With that in mind, I was thinking back to the last episode that was published, which was, you know, me talking about goals and goal setting and, and what you're looking at and, um, I'm re I've gone through Atomic Habits like halfway before and I'm re-listening to it right now. And one of the things that he was talking about, um, I think in chapter six is how you.

You can't change a habit. You can't change anything in your life unless you have [00:30:00] awareness of it. And so to start off, this idea of looking at marriage and making marriage better and making marriage work, I think the first step is becoming aware. I was talking with my mom actually about, um, About relationships and about marriage and how I really do enjoy growing with Kyla and, and making things so much better.

And I just, I don't like a stagnant life. And I was just saying how, you know, I think sometimes people get into seasons. I've been in it before, um, but I see it a lot in this culture where we just get in this rhythm and we just keep going and life keeps going and it's because it's busy and I get it. But sometimes I don't think that we take the.

To step outside of what is going on and really truly analyze our life. And I tend to be a person who really likes doing this and really needs it. Honestly, I, I run and I go hard and I go fast in life. Um, but when I take a second and set with my [00:31:00] journal and say, okay, I'm gonna think through my kid's life, I'm gonna think through.

my marriage. I'm gonna think through our finances and just write down what is working, what isn't working. , where do I wanna go with this? What are my dreams? What are my goals? What is something practically I can do? How do I feel about this? What beliefs do I have cognitively like, and just addressing the whole body and the whole person hood, and everything that goes into my bio, psychosocial dynamic, spiritual personhood, and just seeing, okay, where am I?

Where am I at in life? Because I can't change anything if I don't actually see what is going on. And I don't wanna be stagnant, I don't wanna stay where I'm at. Um, especially if I have any problems like depression or anxiety or anger problems. Those are coming from somewhere and a lot of times people just be like, oh, I just need to be less angry.

Like, no, you probably don't. You honestly need to take a step back and look at your life and say, [00:32:00] what is caus. Like, where does this anger stem from? Is it from my family history? Is it because I'm really stressed and overwhelmed? Is it because I'm not eating well and exercising and not sleeping? Like where is it coming from?

You have to take a step back and don't just look at the service issues. And it's the same way with your marriage. You need to get a good overview of your marriage in order for you guys to move forward. And it's not just you. You need to be doing this together. It needs to be a teamwork thing where you both are taking the time to sit and look at your relationship.

Look at your marriage and say, this is what is working. This is what is not. This is where I would like to be. These are things that I'm dissatisfied with or I had expectations of, and that that is a big one. People expectations. Unmet expectations are, , like the breaking point for marriages. Typically, it is something that you believed that your relationship was gonna be like this, and it doesn't end up being like that.

And unmet expectations, [00:33:00] plus lack of communication, everything tends to just fall apart, so, communicating. I expected this or I thought it was gonna be like that. And that doesn't mean you have to make it like that, but just letting the other person know, this is where I stand. Where do you stand? Oh, I see where you stand.

Okay. This is what I thought about it and actually getting into it. And friends, this is gonna be messy. . It's gonna be messy, which is good. So there is a marriage research clinic that's been going for, I think like, 20 or 30 years, um, by Gottman, I can't remember his first name. Um, but he has written the book, the Marriage Clinic, and then the Seven Principles to Making a Marriage Work.

Um, I'll link those below. Super duper helpful. The marriage clinic is more like from a therapist perspective, like how to help people. And then the seven, um, principles to making a marriage work is for clients and for people, um, just to use in their relationship and their marriage. But one of the things that he addresses is he is able to pinpoint.

with [00:34:00] extreme accuracy, which is crazy. Um, what marriages are and aren't gonna work, and the marriages that work are the ones that try and fight and talk. And advocate for themselves, and advocate for the relationship, and advocate for the other person. The marriages that fall apart are the ones where they don't even discuss things.

They don't bring it up. They don't fight. They just push the problems under the rug. They just let it be what it's gonna be. They just try to ignore it because hopefully if I ignore it, then we won't fight and whatever. Those are the ones that fall apart. It sounds crazy, but step into the mess. Step into the fights, step into the problems, and try to do it in a way that is, you know, still loving and here for the relationship and for the purpose of furthering the relationship.

Uh, not just yourself or, or not just venting out your problems or whatever, but fight. Fight for your marriage. Fight for the good things. If there's [00:35:00] something that you know that you guys can grow on and it can be better. Bring it up and be ready to fight for it. Because on the other end of starting that fight or on the other end of advocating for that thing is so much hope and so much beauty and so much goodness.

And you guys can grow together through the problem, and you can come out on the other side and it can be amazing. And you can have that thing. So as you're going into this year and you were looking at all the things that you are trying to do and the goals that you have and the. areas of growth that you are aiming for.

Um, even if you haven't like, written down those goals and you're just, you know, trying to be a better person or whatever it is that you're trying to do, um, just keep. the marriage in mind. Keep the relationship in mind. And I've posted this before, but I'm gonna go ahead and put the Diotic Adjustment Scale, which is, um, a clinical scale for relationships.

Um, it's pretty easy. There's like 32 questions, but it just kind of goes through your relationship and both persons can answer [00:36:00] it. Um, but I'm gonna link that down and just, I would really ask you, even if you think you know where your relationship is at, um, go ahead and print it off. Print off. hand one to the other person and ask them and say, Hey, you know, I was listening to this podcast and I really would like to see what your answers are.

And I would like to, you know, help things change for you and for me and for our relationship in whatever ways we can. Because you guys will answer the questions differently. There will be something where you think that the relationship is okay in this area, but they don't, or vice versa again. So, um, Just take an analysis of this, and I'm not gonna give you guys the score sheet because I don't think that's helpful.

Um, I don't think it's helpful to look at like your relationship based on a score of like, it's, it's healthy or unhealthy. Um, I think it's more about starting up that conversation. and analyzing each of the questions themselves and really getting the ball rolling. Um, I [00:37:00] feel like the score sheet is more, it, it better helps the therapist get an overview of where clients are at, but um, I think it'll just be helpful if you guys have the sheet of questions and are able to see, oh, I didn't realize you were dissatisfied in this area, or that, or that there's something that we can work on.

So I'm gonna give that to you guys. And from there, just. Start the conversation. Set aside time, like time block out one time a week where you guys are gonna talk about your marriage. You're gonna sit down, you're gonna have an overview. You're gonna say, this is where things are good, or this is where things are bad.

Think about it like a, a business meeting, I guess, if you have to, but to really prioritize that relationship because a beautiful, healthy. marriage is one where you are both seen and seeing them, where you both enjoy each other's presence, where you both [00:38:00] make each other better, where you both fight the good fights and and battle against the bad ones.

Where you are a team, where it is a marriage, where that is the person that you know you can go to. That is the person that's your person. . And so I really, I really want that for you guys. I really, really hope for that and believe for that. I know it is possible. Um, and it just takes a little bit of work and it takes a little bit of effort.

Don't let your marriage go to the wayside, um, and also anticipate all of the good things. The, the good feelings, the, the romantic interactions, the good teamwork, the good parenting skills together. Um, just that unit, that sexual unit, that marriage unit, that friendship unit. There are so many beautiful loves in marriage.

There are so many wonderful connections in marriage. If you put in that work and, and it'll pay off a hundred. So I will see you guys here in a couple weeks. Thanks [00:39:00] so much for being patient as the podcast has been getting up and rolling with so many things going on right now. But I am so excited for 2023.

I cannot wait for everything that is headed. Passion ConnectEd's way. Um, yeah. Thank you so much. Guys. Go ahead and subscribe if you haven't already, and I will see you here in a little bit.